Sometimes I think that one of these days, I’ll finally come to that stage when I get straight A’s, always look (and feel) put together, always smell nice, always say the right things things, am never lazy, don’t stress out about that other sock I can’t find, and always feel confident in who I am & what I look like, not ever caring how people think of me.
Who am I kidding?!
I mean, really.
Rachel, not-scrambling-around-in-the-morning? Rachel, not-clumsy? Rachel, all of a sudden an academic genius?
No. Just … no.
No matter how hard I try, I could never be perfect. Not even close.
I have this thing where, for awhile, I’ll think, “Well, if only I read my Bible every day, God would love me more” or “Man, maybe if I actually tried to be more fashionable, or outgoing, or funny, or fitter, or smarter, or if I actually wore makeup, or just be … plain awesome … people might like me more ” or “Maybe if I did more ‘good things’, God would be happier with me.”
I don’t know about you, but I have this tendency to put this un-realistic, un-attainable, un-reachable standard on myself, this person I *have* to be, before I grow up, before I get married, and right now, or else … well, I risk the thing I fear most. I’m paranoid that people will see me for who I really am — all my flaws, sin, and less-than-glamorous person — and will not like me, accept me, and … will reject me. There. I said it. I know it probably seems silly, (and, yeah, probably because it is), but it’s true. Oh, it’s so true.
“So you see, I’m kind of a mess. A crazy, wild, weird sort of mess. And I’ve learned to accept it and embrace it. Because that mess is who I am. I used to be so envious of girls who seemed like they had it altogether. They had the perfect room – completely color schemed, with matching furniture, did well in their school, could afford everything they wanted, and a little more. Had the perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect body shape. But I realized that what may look like perfect on the outside is just my definition of it.
I know one thing for sure, though. I know that my heart is in the right place because I know that God is my everything. And no matter how imperfect I think I am, this is just the way He made me and I can embrace it with my whole soul because He loves the way He made me and He loves me just the way I am. I will fulfill His calling on my life every day that I live. I will use … my talents, my gifts, my craziness to tell others about Him. I will be crazy for Jesus, cuz oh does He know I’m crazy in love with Him. I will not let worldly, worthless things get in the way of my joy in Him or distract me from what God has placed in my heart. I was born for so much more than that. I was born for His purpose. And what a comforting and fulfilling thought to know that through Christ, I can do all things.” ~ Raquel